Factos acerca de Chuck Norris

No tempo livre que tenho enquanto finjo que trabalho deparo-me, por vezes, com situações curiosas. Esta que vos dou a conhecer é uma delas.

Aparentemente, existe um grande movimento na "internet" que consiste em inventar e compilar factos acerca de Chuck Norris, vedeta dos videoclubes nos anos 80 e das televisões generalistas por volta dos 90 (e ainda uma das vítimas preferidas de Conan O'Brien e a sua "alavanca do Walker, Texas Ranger"), segundo os quais ele é autor de proezas julgadas impossíveis ao comum dos mortais, frequentemente desafiando a lógica ou as leis da Ciência. Maravilhosamente absurdo. Eis um dos mais populares sites e a página da Wikipédia referente ao movimento.

E, já agora, aqui ficam algumas das pérolas:

- Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

- To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

- When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

- Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

- Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity”, then you are dead wrong.

- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

- Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” and roundhouse kicks them in the face.